then and now
by hap-pily
Summary: A tale of the beginning of life, then and now, first with Will, and then Jem. One-shot.


It was Jem who first noticed something different. Of course it was; there was not much Jem did not see, especially in matters that concerned Tessa. He had lived more life as a healer than a Shadowhunter, and it was not easy to forget what he had learned over his years as a Silent Brother. It was first in her mood: her usual steady demeanor could be broken by sporadic bursts of emotion he did not recognize. He first blamed this on himself, thinking that maybe he clung to a Tessa who no longer existed. But then she started sleeping, through the morning and some hours of the afternoon, and suddenly he feared.

"Are you all right?" He asked one day, his hands gripping the steering wheel of the old truck Tessa called Daisy. She didn't look up from the pages she was buried in, but instead simply nodded.

"Why should I not be?" She replied, lackadaisically flipping the page. Jem shrugged.

"You fell asleep on my shoulder earlier," He said, and when she still didn't look up, he added: "You were driving."

"Good, I suppose, that you're driving now." She answered, and this time she finally looked up.

"Good indeed." But he was unsure. Tessa was not reckless, or she never meant to be. Unless...perhaps she was not the person causing it. Jem swallowed, and for a moment, took his eyes from the long, empty road.

"Brother Zachariah."_ The voice belonged to Brother Enoch, Jem knew. The Silent Brothers knew little of privacy, and it was no surprise that Brother Enoch would let himself into Jem's quarters without even a knock. There was little he had of his own, anyway. Only his memories._

"Brother Enoch,"_ Jem replied. _"What bothers you tonight?"

"It is the Gray girl, Will Herondale's wife."_ Jem froze at the mention of Tessa. Was she hurt? What else would bring Brother Enoch in?_

"She is with child,"_ he said. _"The last time I visited, I saw it. I believe they know not of it yet."

_Jem could say nothing. If he could have screamed, he believed he would have shouted until his throat was raw. He had seen them together, he had heard of their wedding, but this, this broke him in a way even he didn't understand. It was as if it was the last act, the final step that truly bound her to Will. _

"Why have you told me this?"_ Jem forced finally. He couldn't bear to look up._

"Because I believe it is you they will call upon, when the time comes. And it is my wish that you will be...prepared."_ He drew out the last word. What was that? Jem thought. Could it be humanity? It was something he had never seen in any of the brothers. _

"Thank you,"_ is all Jem said, and then Brother Enoch was gone just as quickly as he had appeared._

**_/ / / _**

"Tessa," Jem said softly, in a way that was entirely his. "You don't think you're-I mean, you aren't...pregnant, are you?"

The book slid from her hands.

"Pregnant," She repeated, the word curving on the end so that it was more of an inquiry than a statement. "I mean, no, I-" She sat up, and suddenly a cloud of memories engulfed her, and she promptly threw up out of the open window.

_"Mrs. Herondale," The voice was Mary's, coming through the door. Tessa rolled over to find Will already gone. Of course he was. She had never seen him so eager as in those first months after the Intitute became his. There was a light in his eyes she hadn't seen since before Jem...left. His name was like lead; she wondered if it always would be. Mary's voice wouldn't let her linger on the thought, though. "Mrs. Herondale," she said again, and it was enough to keep her moving forward. The only way she knew._

_"Come in, Mary!" Tessa yawned and slid from bed, the floorboards cool under her bare feet. Mary walked in with a tray in hand and her usual smile in place._

_"Morning, miss," She chirped, and Tessa nodded, her eyes still heavy with sleep. She recalled the day Mary had arrived, all dressed in blue to match her wide, curious eyes. "Mary Cranky," Charlotte had said, which drew a round of snickers from Will. Except, she had always been quite the opposite. She was amiable and warm, often forward, but never aggressively. She spoke her thoughts, though they were always kind tidings. She had taken to the Institute finely, and particularly to Tessa, especially as Will became busier and Tessa grew lonelier. Mary liked to observe: people, thoughts, anything. This meant she was a listener, as well. So on nights when Will was tucked deep away in the library or some other corner, Mary would offer the ear he could not. But as she rose that morning, Tessa didn't have much to say. She was tired, she had been in such a state lately, and she could not shake it. So she didn't notice when Mary lingered on the laces of her corset, or when she paused entirely to observe like she always did. It was Mary herself who stirred Tessa from her own thoughts._

_"Miss," She said softly, turning to face both of their reflections in the mirror. _

_"Hm?" Tessa said, finally noticing the strange look sketched across Mary's face. She followed her eyes to the mirror. "What is it?"_

_"I-I don't mean to be intrusive, truly," She stuttered, and Tessa became worried. It was unlike Mary to become distressed about anything, and her cheeks were now a deep shade of red. _Perhaps she wishes to resign,_ Tessa thought. _What trouble Will would have if it is so.

_"Mary, what is it?" Tessa said, touching the girl's hand. She looked up, her eyes wide._

_"It's just-you've gained weight, miss." She uttered quickly. Tessa let out a great burst of laughter._

_"This is what worried you, Mary? That I have had too many dumplings at dinner?" Tessa was perplexed, but also amused. She turned, so that she could view her profile in the long mirror. It was true, she had gained weight. But it hardly seemed anything for anyone to throw a fit over, especially Mary. But Mary did not seem amused. She simply shook her head, and then gently tugged the loose corset from Tessa's shoulders. Tessa let it fall to the floor, leaving her in just her nightgown, and then she understood. _

_It was not much, just the smallest bump, but obvious now. How had she not seen it before? How long had Mary seen it? She suddenly felt faint._

_"Oh, Mary-" She began, but she was interrupted. The bedroom door flew open, and there was Will, his dark hair tousled in an air blown mess and a stack of papers in his hand. His eyes widened when he saw the scene before him, but Tessa was frozen in place. She heard Mary gasp, but didn't look to see her back away. Her eyes were locked with Will's, and she knew he knew._

_"Will," Tessa said finally, her voice raw. His was white like a sheet. Perhaps it was anger, or disbelief, or fear. She certainly could relate to the latter. She forced herself a step forward, but as soon as she did, Will leaned forward and let his breakfast loose on the space between them. _

They were parked now, and Jem was slowly coaxing water into Tessa. They hadn't spoken, though. Tessa had nothing to say, nothing she could form into words. It felt like a rope had wrapped itself around her heart, and it was being pulled tighter and tighter every minute. She wondered how long it would be before it was pulled from her chest entirely. It was more than fear, more than dread; it was a dark, gray cloud of past and future, filling her lungs and choking her again and again. She had done this before, watched it all unfurl before her ageless eyes as everyone, every person withered away. She could not do it again, not her own child.

Jem asked, "Are you sure?" finally breaking the silence. Tessa didn't look up.

"No," She muttered. "But you are." He had spent a lifetime healing, and she should have guessed that he would notice first. But now, it seemed obvious. She had been so tired...

"Do you know that's how he reacted?" She said finally, though she wasn't entirely sure it wasn't just inside her head. "He walked in and when he found out, he threw up. Right on the floor. Poor Mary had to clean it up." She chuckled, but Jem remained still.

"He went away, somewhere. Hid himself until he could think again and then came and told me it was what he wanted." _What he had always wanted._ It was fresh in her mind like it had happened only moments ago. "Is that what you want, Jem? Is this what you want?" She was crying now; she felt the tears swelling and then sliding over. "Tell me it's what you want, please. At least lie to me. Because I don't think I can do this again, not without you. Say this is what you want." There was a long silence.

"This is what I want, Tessa." He said finally, and then pulled her onto his lap. "Of course this is what I want," He murmured into her hair. And she didn't care if it wasn't true, if he was saying it just for her sake, because hearing it was enough to keep her from losing herself.

**/ / /**

_Will took to the idea quickly. She had not been sure before if they were fit to bring a child into the world, but Will dissolved this thought. He drew himself from his work and took over as listener again. He began watching the way Charlotte handled Charlie, the squirming toddler with a swirl of red hair. And he started collecting names._

_"Lora," He suggested over breakfast one morning, his finger jabbed on a spot in the newspaper. "65, a heart attack. Tragic, but a lovely chance for our daughter, don't you think?"_

_"Oh, quite," Tessa rolled her eyes. Obituaries were Will's mine for names, and the supply seemed endless._

_"I quite like the idea of names going 'round like that," Cecily said through a mouthful of toast. Will nodded._

_"'The wheel is come full circle!'" Will exclaimed, his hands in the air. _

_"Don't woo me with Shakespeare," Tessa shook her head. Will smiled widely._  
_"There was a day I could have held your heart with just a bit of Shakespeare. When did you become so sophisticated?" _

_"Oh, Mr. Herondale, I can't reveal all my secrets," She said deviously, her eyes squinted lowly and a small smile on her lips. Will put the paper down, his eyes curious. There was a long, heated silence between them before Cecily made a small gagging noise. _

_"I'm living with animals," She muttered. She rose from the table and wandered away. Tessa rose, too. _

_"You didn't eat mu-" Will began, but he was cut off by Tessa's lips. She had appeared beside him, her heart fluttering in a way she'd never experienced. Every part of her brain screamed Will. She could tell he was startled, but he didn't pull away; instead, he met her enthusiasm with his own. He scooted his chair from the table and pulled her onto his lap. She laughed behind the kiss, but the insanity of the moment seemed far off, unimportant. She only wanted Will, every part of him. _

_He stood, suddenly, tightening his hold around her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, and he responded with heavy, fervent breaths. Tessa hardly knew what she was doing. They'd been intimate before, of course, but this was a new kind of passion. She didn't understand it, but she also didn't care._

_"You've turned me into a savage," He gasped._

_"I'd like to call it 'revealing your true self,'" She replied. Will smiled wildly, but didn't say anything else. Instead, he scooped her up into his arms and began the assent to their bedroom._

_After, their clothes a tangle on the floor and sweat clinging to their necks, Will chuckled._

_"That was a pleasant surprise." _

_"That's what you call pleasant?" Tessa replied. "Remind me to have you show me delightful, would you?" _

_Will threw his head back and laughed a laugh Tessa cherished, one that shook him and the bed and brought tears to his eyes, and she joined him. _

Tessa woke with a gasp, her body gleaming with sweat. Jem stirred beside her, of course he did. She remained still, hoping he would settle back into sleep, but then he spoke.

"Tessa," He said, and reached for the lamp, illuminating the grubby hotel room. They were somewhere in France.

"Just a dream," She assured him, but even as she said it, she began to shake. Jem drew her into his arms-his familiar, warm arms, and held her.

"We haven't talked about names," She muttered, her eyes fixated on an ugly painting stuck to the wall. Every thought was Will, Will, Will. She needed a distraction. "A baby needs a name."

"Yes," Jem replied. She wondered if he was smiling. She could almost hear it, the way he spoke when something amused him. Was he amused?

"What about your father's name?" Jem suggested. "Richard."

"That's no name for a baby," Tessa sniffed, her voice small. "Besides, that's not a Shadowhunter name."

"He wouldn't always be a baby, and he will only be half a Shadowhunter, anyway. He can have my last name if that's what concerns you."

Tessa nodded, even though she knew it wasn't entirely true. If this was anything like the first time, this child would be a Shadowhunter.

"He?" Tessa smiled.

"Or she, I suppose. It doesn't make a difference to me. You could give birth to a puppy and I'd be happy." Jem's voice was soft and warm, and it made the dull room feel like home. Tessa could feel sleep pulling her back.

"Let's decide on Spot, then, and call it a night."

Jem shook with laughter. "I love you," he murmured, but Tessa's eyelids had already begun to droop. _I love you, too_, she thought. _And I need you._

**_/ / /_**

"Proposed?" Magnus uttered, his long legs propped up and a cup tea balanced in his lap. He looked large in their small apartment, but perhaps that was just Magnus. He didn't understand subtle.

"Yes," Tessa sighed, resting her outstretched hand on the table for Magnus's observation. In the spot that had before been bare sat a dazzling green gem embedded in a thick, gold band. Tessa had not yet become used to the sight of it, but then again, she had only gotten it that morning.

"How did he do it?" Magnus asked, his eyes still wide with elation.

"He said, 'I love you, Tessa, and I would like to try again.' And then he held out this." She pointed to the ring.

"That's it?"

"That's it." Tessa replied. But the truth was, she had been hearing the words again and again in her head all day. Jem didn't collect words the way Will always had, and he certainly had mastered silence to a greater extent than she could have ever imagined. So when she woke and found him sitting up, watching her, she almost knew. She couldn't have guessed what he was going to do, of course, but something in the way he looked at her told her that she only wanted him. She didn't need a monologue. She just needed him.

"So when will you do it?" Magnus asked, lacking some of his usual verve. Tessa thought he looked tired, and he had since they had arrived in New York. Magnus liked to pretend that he was above the tragedies of mundanes, but the truth was, she had seen him crumble and fall apart. He was alive, even if he didn't always act like it, and perhaps, she thought, he was lonely, too.

"I'm not sure. Part of Jem is still in the day that he left, I think. He is secretly appalled by the thought of getting me pregnant before we were married," She chuckled, and Magnus managed a smile, too. "I don't know. I don't think he would want it here. Jem hates New York," She added, _and_, she thought, _so do I_. But Magnus had been so kind, offering them an apartment when they had arrived. And now, her stomach rotund, she wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to travel. Still, she longed for home, wherever that might be. She longed for open spaces and clean air and blue skies. She longed for a place Jem's child could wander.

"He's at the Institute now," Tessa added. "He misses being a Shadowhunter."  
Magnus nodded, and took a gulp of his tea.

"So a wedding," He clapped more cheerfully. "And then a baby! I don't expect the Clave knows of your relations with Jem...but then again, secret love is always much more passionate, exciting!" He was up now, mumbling about dresses. Before he had gone, he made her promise they would explore dresses before anything happened. She agreed, and then he was off.

Later, when Jem returned, she greeted him by the door with a kiss. He smelled of sweat and dust, and his dark hair was clinging to his neck. She followed him to the shower, leaving their clothes in a pile and falling into the cloud of steam and hot water. For a long time they were silent, but Tessa finally spoke.

"I know you don't like it here," She began, and when he tried to speak she cut him off. "No, listen. I know you don't. I don't either. I've spent too much time here. Years, Jem. Let's go away, to England, the hills. Somewhere beautiful and clean. The longer we stay, the more suspicious the Clave will get. I just have to get away, Jem, I have to go-" He cut her off with a kiss. It startled her; she thought he might be upset. She knew he hated life in New York, dirty, loud, but he had also begun training again. Could she take that away from him?

"Yes," He said, like he had heard her thoughts. "Let's go." He kissed her again, smiling gleefully.

"Really?" She asked.

"Yes," He nodded, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her beneath the stream of hot water. "I'll go tomorrow if that's what you want."  
"What about the baby?"

"I'll be with you, Tessa. And the Silent Brothers will always come, if it concerns a Shadowhunter." His hand slid to her waist and rested there.

"I love you so much, Jem Carstairs."

He answered with another kiss, and their bodies and minds got lost in the steam.

_Will loved to get away. Tessa saw it in his eyes every time they began another exploration. He'd pretend he was a mountain man or a French shop owner and tell tales wild tales until Tessa was bent over in laughter with tears in her eyes. It had been months since they'd gone anywhere, and they had both agreed that they would take one last grand trip before the baby arrived. Like others, this trip was filled with words. Will read aloud to the gentle rhythm of the carriage's movement, occasionally pausing to suggest a name. His voice filled Tessa with a warm sensation, like it was the sun above her. Even once they arrived to the small cabin tucked in the woods, she was hesitant to break the trance. Eventually, though, Will lead her in._

_"Are you afraid?" He said in a serious tone, poking the fire. Her hands when instinctively to her stomach._

_"Yes," She said quietly, like she didn't quite want to admit it. She had heard a great deal about the business of having a baby, and most of it made her heart flip in her chest. With only days left, the fear had consumed her like a sickness._

_"Then I am not alone," He smiled. _Never_, Tessa thought. _

_"What do you think of John?" He said, but Tessa only rolled her eyes._

**_/ / / _**

_"Jem!" _Tessa's scream was ragged. _This is it,_ she thought. _This is it_. She had been very still in the hot bath moments before, trying to think of other things than the ache in her back...

_"Will," Tessa said plainly. She was lying in bed, reading by the light of the candles on the nightstand, Will doing the same. Something was different, though. There had been aches in her back all day, but this was something entirely divergent. _

_"Yes?" He replied, still obviously concentrated on the book. _

_"Would you get Mary? I think the baby is coming." _

_This got his attention. He closed the book and turned to face her, his face hard to read in the shadows._

_"You're joking," He uttered. _

_"I'm not, Will." She closed her eyes, pain sweeping through her. She clenched the sheets and directed a string of curses toward Will._

_"If that's what you wanted," Will said. "You could have just asked."_

_"Go!" Tessa commanded, but she was smiling as he darted away._

_H__e appeared again in a moment, Mary on his tail. She talked to Tessa in a low voice, but it was to Will that Tessa spoke._

_"Call on Jem, would you?" She said sadly, and Will only nodded._

_**/ / /** _

Jem took the stairs in two's. They creaked when he stepped, the way an old house always did. Tessa had chosen it, the tiny cottage peering over a span of grass and trees. Jem loved it simply because she did.

"Jem!" She called again, snapping Jem from his temporary lapse. He rounded the corner and flew into the bathroom with speed he had forgotten he was capable of, arriving at the scene like a great gust of wind. But the sight before him brought him to a sudden halt.

Tessa sat in the bath, her stomach just peering over the water. Her face was contorted in pain, and the water was tinted pink.

"Tessa," He gasped, and leaped to the side of the gargantuan tub. He rolled up his sleeves and plunged his hands into the steaming pink water and lifted her into his arms. She groaned in pain.

"Stay with me," She said as he lay her down in their large, white bed. He paused, looking into her scared eyes.

"Of course," He promised.

_Jem followed closely behind Brother Enoch as they walked silently through the Institute. He could hear Tessa's cries and they made him want to push past Brother Enoch and run to her, help her, take her pain away. But he remained at the same easy pace, reminding himself of what he was, and what that meant. By the time they reached her room, Will's room, he felt as if he might explode. _

_Brother Enoch did not hesitate, but pushed past the house maid, a girl didn't recognize, and into the source of the cries. Jem followed suit, but then, someone gripped his arm and held him back. He turned and saw Will. _

_"Jem," He gasped. His face was white and full of worry. His hands were shaking and his foot tapped against the ground in to a constant rhythm, tap, tap, tap..._

_"It's killing me, Jem. She is in there in pain and they-they won't let me in. The keep telling me to wait out here, saying it will all be over soon, but it is driving me mad. I am going mad out here." He raked his fingers through his hair, and met his parabatai's eyes. Still silvery, still Jem's._

_"Help her, please. Stay with her." He begged. Jem took his hand and squeezed it. _

_"Of course." And then he went to her._

**_/ / / _**

"Bleeding is normal," Jem had said. Tessa could almost smile at the memory. She had been so afraid. She had made it the entire span of the pregnancy without an ache, a fall, a single complication. Then the blood had come in a great gush that had nearly made her faint. And then there had been the pain, the first of many. She wished for it now, the week twinge. Now, breathless, her hair soaked in sweat, she longed for such a pain. Those that came now hit her like a wall and left her screaming. Jem did what he could, opening windows and holding her hand and bearing the strength of her screams. It had all happened quickly, though, and she saw his eyes darting to the window as he waited for the appearance of the Silent Brothers. There was something he knew, though. And she knew it, too.

"They aren't coming, are they?" Tessa panted, but Jem said nothing. His eyes were dark and sorrowful, and that was answer enough. Tessa had feared enough, that the Silent Brothers would refuse service to a Shadowhunter who was breaking the law. Did they know it wasn't Jem who was in trouble, but an innocent baby? _It doesn't matter now_, she thought. She would have time to be angry later.

Everything after happened very quickly. The pain came again, suddenly, and then she was shouting, and Jem was rolling his sleeves. If he was afraid, he didn't show it. His voice was gentle, and he helped as much as he could.

"Look," He said when she was sure she'd done all that she could, used every ounce of energy in her. She looked down and saw a head of dark, downy hair, Jem's hand cradling it. She pushed again, a sudden strength in her, and out slid the small, soft creature into Jem's arms.

"A girl," He marveled. "It's a girl." She let out a tiny wail, and Tessa could not stop the tears from spilling over.

_"His name is James," Will said. Jem turned, his head falling into his hands. Tessa smiled and wrapped her fingers around Will's, and she knew she had never felt such a feeling before._

**_/ / / _**

"Let's call her Lora," Tessa suggested.

"Lora," Jem echoed. "It's beautiful." He held to that moment, that long, beautiful moment, and knew nothing but love.


End file.
